Ahh Saturday… not quite a weekday, not quite Sunday.. that slice of nothingness in between, where an uncertain anxiousness prevails. Not that the week holds anything of importance, it is just there. Filler. Time as a concept moving over it without change. The days turn into weeks, and they in turn become months.. years.. *sigh*
My brew did not ever become spirit. ha. shame. As sickeningly rank as it was, it actually was decent. eugh but never again. I think finally the naltrexone is having a definite impact on my urge to obliterate my thoughts. Or the mirtazapine. perhaps both? either way, it is now only from a lack of mindfulness in times where I feel stranded, that drives me to imbibe.
I still have a heavy heart when it comes to her. I think I always will. I almost held a precious flower, almost inhaled a wonderful fragrance others have known, that I will never. If the things that were said, were true, then at least we shared something… sadness fills me however, as I ponder what might have been, what should have been. But the words that were once spoken to relay my hearts devotion, now feel distant and vague. like a dream. and so I *sigh* once more… I will always love you.
Who knows now what comes next. Change is everywhere. For better or worse, I do not know. My Job provider is now being re-purposed. I will no longer be with them, after so many years… so many times they promised me help, so many times they failed. And now they are being ripped away, for a completely new mob to start afresh. And so I will now have to explain every single damn thing to someone brand new, build that communication. For all I know this new place will be 100% arse. All I know, is I am looking at it as positive. but should they push me beyond my capabilities, I will stumble, this I know.
I have finally been to my first session with the Next Step psych. And it was miserable. She appears to be uninterested in hearing what I have to say, which makes talking therapy pointless. Everything has fucked up, where I had placed so much trust. I needed the combination of all aspects to work as one. Urges, mood and talking. I ended up barely grabbing the tail end of one as the other lost it’s strength.. fucking prick of a world, and this country is the epitome of it all.
I feel bereft of strength. yet not weakened any longer. Nothing holds interest still. My body is wrecked by the last year or so. I look haggard and wretched. and I don’t care. I have no one to impress. I am not seeking to impress. We all die, and in death we all look the same. I certainly will not spend the remainder of my life attempting to find a mate. Ha, if my family is any indication, I’ll be dead in 9 years anyway. And I’ve spent my entire life self abusing, self medicating, intoxicated, inebriated, fucked up, off my face, delirious… whereas my father and his brother were only smokers and ate like typical poms. Both dead before 53. And I only fear the moment I realise my time has come, but not the fact it will… I fear that moment when I come to the realisation that this is it, everything I intend to do, I will never get to do, that thing I am about to do, 5 minutes from then, will never happen… gasping my last breath, as my last thoughts are of infinite nothingness.. it comes to us all. and no one will mourn me when I am gone. so let it come..
I look around this miserable world and I see painted cretins, adored by mindless miscreants who look down on reality from their artificial places of excess. fuck them. everything has to be fit, toned, tanned, all the bullshit.. you’re all going to die, you fucking idiots. Spend your lives wasting it on bullshit. as I look around my own life spent on nothing. nothingness. I came into the world with nothing, I lived with nothing, I will leave with nothing…
I offer the world nothing. I expect nothing. forced to abide by rules and laws I have no power over. A slave. a number in a register, owned by a government to be used as currency.
Saturday… as the week darkens and Sunday dawns, you have nothing for me.
Fuck this I need coffee. perhaps it will soothe the sneer on my face, fill the emptiness in my soul. And perhaps not…