I hate Sundays with a passion. This one is no different, even if the last few days have been a mild delirium brought on by funny legal fake stuff. anything to keep the grog at arms length..
And as Sunday, I am close to breaking point. since 10am I have been fighting that god damn urge to get pissed. Just get rid of today. Why? Tomorrow is no better. Every day is the same. Sundays just stink and feel like a crack in the reel where the pointlessness of it all loops over and over…
So what am I going to do… not even 2pm. the ebb and flow of strength of my will is wrecking my thoughts. an endless stretch of nothing lays before me, how to unburden myself of the necessity of enduring it… yet I know beyond the seeming insurmountable hurdle before me, is an oasis of sobriety. Something I crave beyond self destruction, once more. I no longer want to decay before the world, cast aside as the nothingness I have been treated as. I want to feel the relief of waking and not feeling dire. Of not having anxiety that runs through me so traumatically it takes my breath away and leaves me in such a panic, feelings of impending doom and finality… to sit with death, every hour of every day, is to not live at all… but to experience death infinitely, without ever having known life…
I despise this avenue of recovery. This route has many exits, so many lead back to obliteration… some to new routes, and some just forwards to the day, ultimately, where death will greet me.
What can I do to make it just this day. Just this 4 hour period. this marathon to beat my thoughts, to get there before they take charge, to lay down the rules for my mindset, no alcohol. No fucking alcohol. I am a cunt when I am drunk, to everyone. And I refuse to allow that arsehole to control me AGAIN. Fuck me.
meditation? perhaps an app on my phone that has walking routes laid out for people to ‘challenge’ themselves with – beat the times of others. no communication, just walk the route and record your time. I could do this. I want to get back into outdoor activity, away from people, away from the cretinous society that lies and distracts.
mindfulness? once in a state of mindfulness I find it easier to maintain a sense of calm… but getting into that state is frustrating as it implies acceptance of the countless hours of endless nothingness.. I cannot fill the void with actions, actions have no benefits that I can see, at least within the scope of my options…
Sleep is the only recourse, and as yet I am wide awake, 2pm. Sunday.
I accept that today I will not drink. I am committed to remaining sober, regaining my composure, finding my path and resuming my life.
Every moment is the birth of a new event. It marks the passing of the last moment, and the preparation of the next. The only control I have is what I do right now, to remain accepting and committed.